Thank you all so much for your generous support! Can’t believe we made, but the important thing is you believed enough for the both of us. So much so in fact, that we nearly doubled our projected goal. This means we definitely won’t go broke on shipping charges and you won’t go home disappointed…
“One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Give us your half-awake, your independently wealthy, your solitary smokers delighted to wheeze arduously…
It is rumored that Pancho Villa’s last words were “Tell Them I Said Something” because, he was unprepared for death; it came as a surprise and he was reluctant to even believe it, and I contend that, although subconsciously, Young Marshall is unprepared for death. We are putting this album out there, and it’s gonna get printed and pressed and it’ll be on a few friends record shelves in about 10 years and it’ll be something we look back at. There will be maybe 20 still lingering around the friends circles, and I’ll still be proud of it. But, I’d rather this album become less of a tribute of a great band and more of a rare 7” of a well liked Chicago underground punk band that never got it’s dues like so many of the great bands I listen to now. Thank You.